Last week I received a formal diagnosis. After years of feeling like an alien I am having to accept that, yes, I do have Asperger’s Syndrome. It’s good that I have a diagnosis but it is a case of so what. It still doesn’t change anything. It makes my life make more sense but I am uncertain whether that is a positive. I am going to make some notes on here as I find this the easiest format for accessing my brain and they will allow me to reflect (in my osteopathy course we have to use reflection as a say of evaluating our patient interactions in the teaching clinic).
I spent my childhood being a very quiet girl. I was considered shy and at school deemed odd and often got teased or people said things that troubled me. I had very good manners because I was taught them and I received elocution lessons so I don’t have a northern accent. However, once I got to secondary school my good manners and accent seemed to annoy some people. That meant you were posh and more and more people started telling me I was too polite and that it irritated them (as an adult I realise that too many people in my life had opinions about how I should be that had little to do with them and how I am was none of their business). When I think back I wish I had ignored quite a lot of the people who were being so negative towards me.
I watched films like Aliens and learned a lot of bad language. I didn’t like it but apparently once you are not a child you are meant to swear and good manners are annoying. I remained polite in my workplaces. That seemed to be ok (and I like being polite and I do like good manners). However, regular people seem to dislike nice behaviour and good manners. I am told now, after years of being told I was too polite, that I am now too impolite and rude (often by my parents who told me “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.” However, that seems to be another phrase that people don’t really mean.) I use swear words to express how I feel sometimes (I don’t actually like to use them but that is what grown ups use and they use them in films and on TV and pretty much everywhere). It seems that it is hard to please anyone. If I speak nicely I get told that is wrong; if I speak using bad language (which everyone else seems to be allowed to use) that is wrong too. Right now I would like to be me and accepted for being me. I realise as a coach that is maybe what everyone wants. Maybe so many people are trying to live their lives based on what other people’s opinions were and are that they feel they can’t be who they truly are so they add to peer pressure on other people rather than working out who they really are inside.