Last week I received a formal diagnosis. After years of feeling like an alien I am having to accept that, yes, I do have Asperger’s Syndrome. It’s good that I have a diagnosis but it is a case of so what. It still doesn’t change anything. It makes my life make more sense but I am uncertain whether that is a positive. I am going to make some notes on here as I find this the easiest format for accessing my brain and they will allow me to reflect (in my osteopathy course we have to use reflection as a say of evaluating our patient interactions in the teaching clinic).
I spent my childhood being a very quiet girl. I was considered shy and at school deemed odd and often got teased or people said things that troubled me. I had very good manners because I was taught them. However, once I got to secondary school good manners seemed to annoy people. That meant you were posh and more and more people started telling me I was too polite and that it irritated them (as an adult I realise that too many people in my life had opinions about how I should be that had little to do with them and how I am was none of their business).
I watched films like Aliens and learned a lot of bad language. I didn’t like it but apparently once you are not a child you are meant to swear and good manners are annoying. I remained polite in my workplaces. That seemed to be ok (and I like being polite and I do like good manners). However, regular people seem to dislike nice behaviour and good manners. I am told now, after years of being told I was too polite, that I am now impolite and rude (by my parents who told me “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.” However, that seems to be another phrase that people don’t really mean.) I use swear words to express how I feel sometimes (I don’t actually like to use them but that is what grown ups use and they use them in films and on TV and pretty much everywhere). It seems that it is hard to please anyone. If I speak nicely I get told that is wrong; if I speak using bad language (which everyone else seems to be allowed to use) that is wrong too. Right now I would like to be me and accepted for being me (so long as I’m harming anyone). Maybe that’s what everyone wants?